If you’re reading this, then it’s likely that my interview on the Understanding God summit brought you here, and I am so thankful for your viewership!
If we can all be honest with ourselves for a sec, we’d realize that striking a balance between letting go and still showing love to those that often does us wrong is HARD WORK! It’s difficult because so much of it involves us being the bigger person when our emotions are crying out for us to be petty and aggressive towards our wrongdoers.
Because I am so thankful to you guys for tuning in to our interview on the Understanding God summit, I wanted to give you all something practical to use for wherever you our on your journey to Love and Forgiveness. Let’s dive into the next 5 points.
Forgiveness is often not the ideal scenario that you’d like to experience. It’s usually absent of apologies from others and may only be something you decide to partake in—that’s ok. When we get hurt, we form a bond with the offender and the offense. Forgiveness is the process of cutting the link created by harm, thus setting us free. It’s for you, not them.
The ability to forgive can be seen as a reflection of our relationship with Christ. The more we learn to seek him, the more we become enabled to love and even forgive those who have done wrong against us. However, it should be noted that love doesn’t always look the same. Sometimes we must go through the hard process of loving at a distance (if necessary) to keep our souls right with God. But be patient with yourself. Life has a lot of opportunities for us to grow here!
It’s easy as men to get comfortable when we have women around us that make our lives easier. Their nurturing attitude has this way of soothing and relaxing us unlike anything else. What makes this even more of a welcomed thing is especially when we have to face the world to provide a better life for us and our family.
This isn’t a bad thing.
What is a bad thing is when we men allow ourselves to get comfortable in not having to do much at home along WITH our women—and trust me—we are ALL susceptible to doing this.
For years we’ve sexualized our roles in relationships and we are only now experiencing its negative effects. As a therapist, I often hear disgruntled men, but more so women, talk about how they feel the effort in the relationship is one sided. How can we combat this challenge that seems to be inevitable in long term commitments to someone? Here’s how I approach this in 3 different ways.
Stage A Coup on Duties.
I’ve been blessed with a wife that does an amazing job with keeping our house in tip top shape. She’s so good at this, I often times have nothing to do when it comes to meaningful contribution around the house (but tbh there’s always something to do in a house right?) So I had two options available.
Either I could request that she leaves some things for me to do—which never happens—or I can intervene before she has a chance to.
I chose the latter.
Sometimes being in a relationship is more than waiting to be told that something needs to be done. Yes communication is critical, but it must also at times be intuitive. If you notice that something could use a little cleaning, tightening up, or maybe even replacing before your spouse does then take the initiative upon yourself to do so.
You’ll be surprised to know just how many things in our life gets put into the, “oh I know they’ll do that” category without us thinking twice about it. Sensitize yourself to those things.
Do Things Because You’ll Also Benefit
I’ve found that when we assume the mindset in doing things because it’s mutually beneficial, it becomes much easier to avoid that lopsided feeling regarding equal relationship effort.
When we label things as a “you” thing or an “I” thing instead of a “we” thing, we may develop a toxic sense of entitlement that can slowly create bitterness in our spouse.
So the next time you’re home, remember not to do things because you have to do them but instead do them because you would also benefit from having that thing done.
Remember Your Spouse is Not Your Parent
This last one should be a given, but a lot of times it isn’t and that’s for the simple fact that we are products of our family environments.
I won’t get overwhelming support from men when I say this, but a lot of us were coddled when we were younger. We were given privileges by our parents before we truly earned them and in this new era of relationship dynamics, that won’t sit well with the women (and in some cases men) of today.
In most relationships, both spouses work and come home equally tired. We can’t think that it’s fair for one person to absorb all of the house duties when each person had a demanding day. For some men and women this may mean unlearning what was ok in your family and learning something new that doesn’t come quite naturally to you. However, change is never easy when it’s true change.
In fact, we may often time find ourselves clinging on to what we were used to, but we have to resist this urge if you want a healthy relationship.
This is helped me greatly from falling into dysfunctional cycle. Do you agree with these sentiments? If you don’t or if you do, I’d like to hear your comments.
Thanks for reading!
Many people will agree that a lot of their personal relationships are 50% parenting and 50% of actually being in a relationship.
This is because many people go into relationships still thinking like a single person would. But why wouldn't they right? Their whole life has been revolving around them, some family and a few friends--why should that change for you? But if people were honest, they'd admit that they move too quickly into things before the foundation and expectations were properly set for the relationship. We only realize how much we've neglected to do so until our problems show their ugly faces in dramatic fashion...
But before we get to talking about our expectations for them, we have to know the expectations we have for ourselves. To develop a committed minded mentality, you have to know why this relationship is important to you.
Is it because you value this person and what they bring to the table? Or is this relationship fulfilling some convenient desire of yours?
Nothing sucks more than having to tell or remind someone that they're in a relationship with you--especially when it was their choice to be with you. that's because it's undeniable when someone truly wants to be in a relationship.
They will make time for you in their busy schedules. They will show an interest in things that are mutually beneficial. They will also respect the relationship with or without you being present.
But this is not the case when you're dealing with someone that still has a single minded mentality...
People that go into relationships with a single minded mentality will often fight you to the death for their selfish desires. They will always back burn you for family and friends while expecting you to understand fully.
They will constantly tell you that you aren't understanding of "how they are", when in truth, who they are being is a direct obstacle to the relationship success THEY say THEY want.
When a person possesses a committed minded mentality, these issues become non-existent for the simple fact that they became someone they weren't previously.
And so that's the bottom line. To be successful in a personal relationship, you have to grow into a new person. Yes, change may sometimes mean cutting off a few people that aren't contributing to your goals, but how bad do you want your relationship?
Yes, change may have to mean setting stronger boundaries with your friends and family, but how bad do you want your relationship?
Yes, change may also have to mean answering to someone else--and that's a new concept--but how bad do you really want your relationship?
If you want it bad enough, growth is essential in achieving that goal.